This week, I had to do the unthinkable.
I had to retire Ole Blue, the can opener I'd had since I was a freshman in college.
It was a good run we had, Ole Blue and me. When I was a freshman in college, some 15 (!) years ago, I had a pretty crappy can opener. I don't know exactly how it happened, but one day I went to my Post Office Box and found Ole Blue waiting in a padded envelope.
(Why yes, those are granite countertops. Of course they are. It's a special, rare blonde granite.)
It was a gift from my dad's friend Steve, who has been subjecting himself to the abuse of hanging out with our family since I was about five years old. Actually, he still does on a regular basis, even down to working for Jason and mom in the catering company.
At any rate, Old Blue came into my life and spoiled me. He has opened countless cans of soup, Chef-Boy-Ar-Dee ravioli, and other canned goods. When we got married, we didn't get a new can opener - I brought Ole Blue with me.
Ole Blue opened up lots of cans of soup that first year. And most of it wasn't even name brand.
Over the past few months, though, I noticed Ole Blue just wasn't the same. I was having to go back over the same spot more than once to get it to open. And then last week, I had several cans to open for dinner. No matter how many times I went over those spots, they just would not open.
Panicked, I used one of my old knives to finish the job. I cannot guarantee that my family did not enjoy some delicious metal shavings with their whole kernel corn.
That did it. I had to put Ole Blue down.
I went to Walmart the next morning, because we were having Manwich for lunch and needed a reliable can opener. I picked up this one, which I guess I'll name "New Black:"
It's not the same. I loved Ole Blue, and I don't know if they even make them like that any more. After having this design, I can't STAND those puny little can openers - you know the ones I mean - that take the strength of several large men to open one can.
But, I figured that for $2.97, New Black was a good stopgap measure. If I don't absolutely love it, I've only wasted three bucks, and it gives me time to figure out my next can opener move.
I'd pay a pretty penny for another opener I liked as well as Ole Blue, that I wouldn't have to replace for another 15 years.